lethargy

The last few weeks have seen me in a noticeable state of lethargy… in a way. I am not entirely sure that I can even really call it that, because lethargy for me still involves doing quite a lot. I still manage to do quite a bit of reading (FINALLY finished Hume’s tome), study the Korean language, go to the gym, play the guitar, and go for four-hour training walks (I’ll soon be hiking). I suppose that what I’m really talking about is the fact that I haven’t done a whole lot of writing lately, and this is largely because all that reading, exercising and studying is just such a part of my daily/weekly routine that I find in them only the pleasures that one usually associates with those things that are solid and reliable. The fact that I haven’t written much lately is a sign to me that A) I have been living too much in the future and planning my return to the states (which I necessarily wish to keep somewhat secretive, and if I write about it, it’s not very secret is it?)
B) I haven’t had a whole lot to write about. Which is both true and untrue because I believe that there is ALWAYS something to write about; however, what I’m experiencing at the moment is a re-surgence in my sex life which I have always had a hard time writing about because of modesty and respect for the nature of that act.
All that being said, not enough people write about sex in such a way that does it justice. I’m afraid that “Marko, breathing his hot breath on her heaving bosom was enough to send shockwaves of desire through her body. His gentle caresses and strong, firm but soothing voice had caused a need in the pit of her being that could be satisfied by only one thing. She grabbed his ebony hair and let him know what she wanted.” just doesn’t quite do justice to something that can be of such great import.
I had a girlfriend for seven years (essentially), and for the bulk of that relationship it was long-distance. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out what two college-aged students who would go for long periods of time without each other would do when they finally got together. Perhaps the best word for it was frenzy. Usually they’d only have about two or three days together because of the restraints of school or work and, for those of you who have experienced something like it, that’s generally a good amount of time to spend doing basically that one thing. After that, the spirit might be willing, but probably not, and the flesh will be spongy and sore. However, it is as a result of sessions like those that I learned a lot about what IT means.
I think that I have actually been blessed by the fact that I am not an excessively pretty person because that meant that I didn’t get to experience a lot of one-night-stands. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until I have been in Korea that I had that hollow experience, and I can say from experience that it is much more fulfilling and dignified to have the experience of the body with somebody you care deeply about.
It seems highly probable that I’m just a big softy and that my parents raised me to be respectful of women, but two of my favorite things are spooning and—dear god I wish it had a more manly name (maybe I should make one up)—pillow talk. There is something about the intimacy of the act that seems to permeate everything that goes from the build-up, through the act itself, and it seems like the only appropriate finish is the intimacy of touch-to-touch and close conversation. As a matter of fact, it was precisely when these things stopped happening that the previously mentioned relationship started to fall apart.
I’m also beginning to see that there are a couple of different possibilities for significant kinds of physical intimacy. Almost everybody that’s had an opportunity to get drunk with somebody they love has experienced the kind of alcohol-fueled madness that results from what starts as gentle hand squeezes under the table or soft skin caresses that nobody sees. It can be wild and passionate and one helluva lot of fun because it so often feels like the primal call of nature: I need your body. I don’t care how intelligent you are or how funny. Right now, I want your body. This is the urge (not always accompanied by drunkenness) that affects those dealing with even low levels of satyriasis and furor uterinus: a pure desire to slake the physical thirst that wells up in all of us; however, in the bulk of the population this thirst peaks its head out only periodically.
Another kind of physical intimacy that is possible occurs when two people want to illustrate, using the body, how important they are to each other. This shouldn’t be overlooked. I have often considered that there are a lot of triptychs out there (conscious, subconscious, spirit; father, son, spirit; guardians, managers, workers; etc), but I think that the most frequently left-out aspect of all of these is the ground—thanks Heidegger. Without an earth, there can’t be humans. Without humans, does the concept of god exist? Without god is there a need for heaven? Without the body, can there be a seat for the soul? One of Rudolf Steiner’s greatest ideas was that the soul is outside the body, but, unless I missed it, I’d like to think that it doesn’t just sit outside the body but permeates it, through and through, and extends beyond the confines of the body. Call it an aura, but I guarantee you that you have met somebody or been around somebody and felt them immediately. That’s the extension of the soul outside the body. It is during this kind of physical intimacy, where two souls are charged with the connection of intimacy, love, caring, and compassion that something different happens. The fulfillment of the physical need of the human body to release itself is one thing, to touch souls in this particular way is something that warms the entire being, from the consciousness to sub-conscious, from the soul to the body.
It could be argued that the accomplishment of this warming is what the kama sutra is about. Sure, it teaches you a lot of fun ways to go about doing something that’s already fun, but it could be argued that these are attempts to find the most pleasant and fulfilling way of satisfying your partner. Let’s all be honest and say that man-on-top-pounding-away is perhaps the most boring of all the potential positions. It is the remnant of a man-centered universe. It can be fun every once in a while, but variety is the spice of life, and that almost goes double for the bedroom. Get creative, not because it’s fun, but because it is an illustration of how much you want your partner to feel. It’s an illustration of how on fire your soul is to touch their soul in a meaningful way.
Sometimes, I think the most important moment in any relationship is the simultaneous laughter that happens during the act itself. It’s possible. It ought to be fun, and what’s more natural than to laugh when you’re having fun?